Save Me From Myself
by Rosie Jo
Summary: AH.OOC. Rose falls into a few dark habits, will anyone come to her rescue?
1. Chapter 1

"And this time was worse than the first time I felt like that. This time I was in my room, everyone else had gone to lunch and we had stayed behind to finish up the last few problems on our math homework. I had no idea he was going to go farther than before."

"Further how?"

"Well he always touched me, I liked being hugged by him and liked sitting and laying near him it was comforting. Until he started touching me when we were out in public like in class and while driving. He kissed me a lot, and would grab at my sides and play with my hair; sometimes he would grab me between my legs." I couldn't hold my tears in any longer, one spilled over the edge followed by more.

"I see, and you didn't want that?" He asked

"No It frightened me, no one had ever paid attention to me like that before I didn't know how to make him stop he never listened when I said no. The day we were alone he got me on my bed and I thought he was just going to tickle me and touch me like normal, play with my breasts and grab at my backside but he did more than that." My lip was quivering, the tears steadily falling into my lap. "he didn't even use protection he pinned me down and removed my cloths. He… stuck his fingers inside me and moved them around. I was kicking and trying to get him off of me but he was too strong and I was panicking. While he was touching me and kissing me all over as he removed his pants and pressed himself in between my legs. I held back the urge to vomit and yelled for him to stop he just kept repeating 'you wanted this, you have to, just let me fuck you.' And silenced my protest yet again with his hand at first, then his mouth. No one was there to hear me and my shouting only excited him more, I stopped yelling and resorted to tears as he entered me and had his way. The pain was new, it didn't bother me I just felt dirty he was the first person to ever touch me like that I didn't know what to do. I don't remember how long he was their but I remember him getting dressed, he was angry I had gotten my blood all over his tank top and his girlfriend was going to notice. He told me to clean up, to hurry and to meet him downstairs before our next class. I had twenty minutes to shower, dress, hide my bloodied sheets and gather my book bag, calculator, and text books for math class. He kissed me one last time left me lying on my bed and walked out. I was still naked so I grabbed a towel and my toiletries and ran down the hall to the showers. "I finished my sentence sputtering, and babbling like a child I felt as worthless and dirty as a person can feel.

"Well did you tell anyone?" Dr. Olendski asked.

"Of course I told a few people! I told his wife, she laughed in my face and told her friends I was a psycho bitch trying to break up her marriage!" I was enraged, everyone I turned to believed that it was a lie. How dare they I thought they were here to protect me. The rest of the session was a blur I blocked it all out and waited until I could make my escape and hurry out to my car. The heat in my face felt scorching like the summer sun, the tears made my head ache and swell. I knew at that moment what I needed to let go of the memories. I climbed into my car and started it up. Reaching into my door I found a tiny paper envelope and tore it open. I picked up my straw out of the cup holder and breathed in the powder through my nose.

Therapy diddn't help, it never did, it only made me feel weak and voulnerable. With my car parked haphazardly in the driveway I fumbled up the stairs and wobbled through the doorway. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window pane as I walked into my room, my stomach churned and growled.

_You're disgusting, you fat, useless whore. You are the biggest waste of space and oxygen god ever created, matter of fact he only created you to watch you fail. It's no wonder you were rape, you whore your self around but what I don't get is how anyone would have sex with you?_ The worst thoughts flooded my mind I felt like giving up, giving in to the voice. _What's the worst that could happen, someone might miss me? Ha yeah right. _I wasn't thinking straight I was clouded in disillusion and hate, I sat on the bed and took out a single edged razor blade from my bedside stand. I sighed, so cold to the touch, such a thin, simple item could cause such sweet release. I pressed it to the skin on my arm as if I were about to play a violin. Memories kept flooding in, causing more agony. _"You like that, Baby?!" I nodded in response letting my mind wander making sounds to encourage the man who was on top of me. Each thrust brought the tears closer to the brim of my eyelids, I turned my head to hide the emotion. It felt like a long time so I hoped he would finish soon so I could leave and cleanse my body of this act with a shower. With a series of low grunts he finished and moved aside. The man with sandy blonde hair and brilliant eyes smiled "You always know how to show me a good time, Mase" the words slipped out of my mouth before my brain registered. "So do you Rosie" Mason said with a wink. _My body shivered as I was pulled back to reality by a sharp pinch on my left arm. I always felt satisfied knowing I pleased a man without lifting a finger but the satisfaction never lasted long enough. Remembering my intentions I looked down at the razor and quickly drew it across my tender skin, time after time, I was shaking and tears were spilling out rolling down my face. I wanted to hurt myself so bad, no matter how hard I focused I never drew the blade deep enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up the next morning was like asking someone to cut off their own arm. all i wanted was to go back to sleep, forever. I was back in my dorm at the academy and It was early. I had practice with dimitri about ten minutes ago

" Shit, shit, shit!" i ran back into the bathroom brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and wiped my arm down to remove the dried up blood that spilt out during the night. I spit into the sink rinsed my face with cool water and wiped off with a dry towel. I ran back out the door and tripped over something, probably a book bag, or something. I reached out infront of me and grabbed the chloths i had on the day before. the world was going to have to settle with rose in body hugging grey running tights and a baggy white long sleeve shit. I slapped on my sneakeres and sprinted to the gym. I was thankful for the long sleeves and pants it was fall, octobers here up in the mountains are usually pretty chilly. I saw a few gaurdians and teachers i knew on hte way and they all had remarks about how rose only ran when she was late, or their was food to be eaten. i guess the campus really did know me. I got into the gym after a battle with the door, apparently pull really meant pull, so pushing was only a waste of effort. I ran over to dimitri

" i'm sorry I was late dimitri, typical me but i just couldent make my body move out of my bed." I smiled and hope he would be understanding.

" it's ok Rose, i'll just make you do an extra set of situps on the bench, with a medicine ball." He said I just groaned and headed to the uppstairs indoor track to do laps. i trudged the whole was but ran hard in an effort to punish myself for being late. Maybe if i ran hard dimitri will see and go easy on me. Yeah right, I deserved it i was allllwayyysssss late for things and somehow dimitri was cool about it. I finished my mile warm up in about twelve minutes which was awesome considering I was hardly awake yet and went back downstairs to face my fears of gettign my butt kicked again. Dimitri was sitting on the bleachers with a book in his hand, silly western cowboy crap. he marked his page and put his book down with a small smile he looked up and stood taking a few steps closing the distance between us.

" Were going to start in the weight room so you can do those sit-ups" He turned and headed to the weight room, i followed his and just did what he told me to. I sat down on the bench and hooked my legs through the bars. He handed me a ten pound midicine ball and my eyes bugged out of my head. " din't look at me like that, you can handle it" he said " now do normal situps and when you reach your half way point toss the ball to me, i'll toss it back and you can lower yourself down to the bench and repeat, okay?" he explained. I started my torture counting out loud as my back hit the bench completign each sit up. _You know this would be easier if you weren't so fat, and disgusting!_ The voice in my thoughts caused me to miss my next catch the ball hit my hands and my arms collapsed, effectivly smashing myself in the nose withh a ten pound hard rubber ball.

" Fuck, oww" I cursed and sat up off the inverted bench. Dimitri held out his hand and helped me up.

" Rose are you okay?" I scoffed

" do I look ok, comrade? I think I broke my nose!" I yelled

" I'm sorry Roza, let's go to the clinic, you don't have to practice anymore today, i'm so sorry i shoulden't have thrown it so hard." He looked concerned and rested his hand on the back of my elbow and led me to the door.

" It's not your fault, I lost my concentration and forgot how heavy the ball was. it's my fault" I told him

" theirs not to much to concentrait on i should have given you a lighter ball." he was convinced it was his fault

" Trust me I started thinking and wasn't paying attention its my fault." I felt my nose running and reached to wipe it but Dimitri beat me to it with some sort of napkin, I hadn't even noticed him get a napkin, boy i'm losing my touch.

" you seem to be thinking alot, whats on your mind?" he asked

" Umm, nothing. I don't know."

" Rose don't lie to me, I saw you try to beat up the door this morning" He looked concerned but he also fought a smile.

" So, they should make it more obvious, you think a stupid little waist high sign is gonna be enough for everyone to figure out how to opperate a door?"

" Yes, I do Rose you really are more intelligent than that, whats on your mind?"

" Nothhing, I'm just gross, I need to tan more, and eat less, and i'm single I mean whats wrong with me!" Dimitri just laughed. We were a tthe clinic now and he had signed me in we were sitting in the waiting room.

" Rose, you are the most tan person i've seen since summer, and you work out every day, alot more than any other girl." He looked confused ' and the dating part i mean thats not a big deal look at me i'm single, and theirs nothing wrong with me right?" He said

" Well thats different" I said. we could be in a relationship and then we would both not be single. wait no we can't he dosent like me i'm fat and gross and short and ugly and fat and just downright gross.

" Rose" the nurse called out i stood up quickly and wobbled a little

" I'll help you into the room" Dimitri said noticing my unsteady walk

" How did you do this Rose?" the nurse asked

" well i wasn't paying attention and I hit myself in the face with a medicine ball this morning at practice." I said looking down, if only i wasn't so clumsy...

" Let;s take some vitals and then we can do an x-ray to make sure your nose isn't broken then we can clean you up and give you something for the pain." the nurse said I just nodded. she took my temperature,, it was normal, cheched my pupils to make sure I diddn't have a concussion

" It's standard procedure to check and record a blood pressure so If you could remove that top, the long sleeves and tight cuffs could interefeare with my reading" the nurse said, i gulped she was goign to notice my cuts... I looked fearfully over to dimitri " Oh gaurdian Belikov would you mind leaving so rose could remove her top. he stood up and was about to leave

" it's okay my blood is pressuring just fine see i'm good theirs no need for that" the nurse looked concerned

" it's not a big deal really i'll be done in two minutes, real quick" the nurse said

" no, I do'nt want to take my shirt off"

" because Gaurdian belikov is here? he wont be in the room when I do the test" their was no way around it,

" No because of this" I took off my shirt, knowing i was going to be in deep shit for cutting myself. the nurse was confused looking at me like i was insane, she diddn't notice yet. a sharp intake of breath reminded me that dimitri was in the room. He was standing by the door and had a perfect view of the lines on my wrist

" Rose! Why would you do that, are you okay, what's wrong!?" He was very concerned and I couldent' figure out why in hte world he would care. " what made you do this you should have told me. " Dimitri was switting on the bed next to me now and suddenly i felt very self consious i held up my sdhirt to cover my exposed mid section. I blushed knowing that Dimitri saw me in just a sports bra.

" She;s in here" the nurse said entering the room again with the doctor

" Belikov get out" the nurse demanded and swhut the door on him, i protested but she diddn't seem to care

" Is this because of him? I will have him arrested if he was causign you to do this rose!" the doctor looked angry

" No I did this to myself, he diddn't know. I trust him he helps me when I feel like i need to cut but he was off campus this time." I explained... great now i'm going to be sent off to a looney bin. just one of my secrets was out...


	3. Chapter 3

So I was dragged to the clinic for a busted up face and now the whole world thinks i'm insane. _if only they knew the real you rose, the weak, useless, boring, tired, disgusting R-_

"Rose, did you here what I said?" The nurse was disgusing my treatment plan, and my discharge instructions. Alberta was their now and Kirova was on the phone with her, they were whispering in hused tones to keep me from hearing what they had to say.

" Mhmm, yeah. Extra therapy, Daily room serches, all you teachers on my back the whole day. Oh and I can't be trusted to be left alone unless I'm showering or using the restroom." I left out the part about the straight jacket, they diddn't need anymore ideas.

" Right" the nurse nodded and checked something off on her clip board " and please, stop cutting, your too pretty to hurt yourself." she said

" Hah! yeah." I laughed as the nurse handed the papers to me and stared with a strange expression in my direction.  
" So I can leave now right?" I asked impaitently as I stood up.

"Yes Rose you may leave. just know we are all here for your support if you need it." she said with a pat on my back and a sweet smile and she ushured me and my hugfe posse of St. Vlad's employees out the door and down the hall.

Alberta scolded me with a concerned tone and asked Dimitri to keep a close watch on me. Just great I was worried about being stuck to him like glue and now I'd have to face my Russian Jailor more often every day. Not that facing Dimitri was a bad thing, he had a lovley face, and a toned sleek body, well from what i'd seen of it anyways. I hope I get the chance to see More of him soon, wait no thats wrong he's 7 years older than you and your teacher you freak stop thinking like that.

I hadn't noticed that I was already in my room sitting on my bed staring blankly at the wall. It wasn't until I peeled my eyes off the battered. marked up wall and over to the door that i realized that Dimitri was still standing here, in my room. I don't know how long he's been here but he looked like he had something to say. Before I could tell him to keep his mouth shut and leave he interjected

" Rose, is this because of me? Did I say something wrong, or do something you diddn't like? please tell me, talk to me" his eyes were glistening and he looked sad and confused

" No Comrade, this isn't your fault. I made the cut's myself." well that was a brilliant show stopping comeback. He huffed and moved a few steps closer.

" That's not what I meant, you know it" he looked like he had his duster by the throat and he was about to wring it's neck between his trembling hands.

" No. It's not your fault." I patted the spot next to me on the bed and I shuffled to move back to give him more room. He hadn't movd a muscle. " Dimitri please sit with me. It will help if I tell you something's about me, past things, that you couldn;t have known. " _yes that's it you stupid girl, what makes you think this man gives a damn about you and your silly immature problems. You best shut your mouth before you screw everything up! _I felt a weight shift beside me, we were close, only inches away from touching. He was my teacher and sparring partner we touched on a daily basis but this, this seemed much more intimate. at first I coulden't put my finger on it I felt as if I was watching myself twiddle my thumbs from a few feet behind me, my speech slurred

" Rose?" dimitri was even closer now with a concerned look crossing his eyes and evident on his face. " Rose, Hello?" He was waving a hand in front of my face. I felt moisture build up near my eyes, my lungs suddenly felt too shallow to breathe off of, my throat was closing quickly and tightning up. I had lost control of my emotions I chocked out a sob and hid my face in my hair. tears pooled and spilt from my lower eyelid, a panic attack. their were only three people who knew about the incident that caused me so much pain. My abuser, my therapist, and myself and now I was about to spill my heart out to Dimitri. Spill my guts to my handsome, older than me, god of a man, my mentor.

Just as soon as I could actually breathe again and I wasn't violently shaking with loud sobs escaping my lips. Strangley I felt comfortable in this situation being held tightly against a mans strong body and feeling weak and scared. those were all situations I;d experianced before, and previous knowledge was conforting and comfort was good. I rested my head on his shoulder and cried for god only knows how long before I finally choked out my confession, with those three simploe words a weight lifted off my shoulders and I prayed for acceptance and compassion in return, those three words

" I-I was, Raped"

three words which changed my life forever.


End file.
